Wednesday, December 05, 2007
The Right Thing
it is really really hard to do the right thing sometimes. in my case, it's really hard to KNOW whether what you're doing is right or wrong. that's the thing, i don't KNOW whether it's right.
alumni band. yes, i was very keen on it, quite excited about it even, but when it starts swallowing up your time, i don't know whether i really want to do it anymore. these are my holidays, this is my youth, once it's gone, it's never coming back. i thought i was going to have fun, i thought i was going to relive all the good moments, but it's just isn't fun anymore. if i were still in school, i really wouldn't mind. i would have made it my duty to see that i do my part in the band, that i can actually do something for it and i would make band my life. but i'm not in the school anymore, i have a life, i want to get a job, i want to do so many things, but band is holding me back. i asked one of my seniors and she told me that then, i had no commitment, and band is all about commitment. and so i came to realise that if i probably want to have fun in band, i would have to commit as well, but such commitments has made band not fun anymore because i have to cancel so many of my plans for it. so when i'm at band, trying to have fun, i'm feeling sore about all the fun i could be having if i weren't at band. get it?
it's not only about the commitment, it's about peer pressure. i know that a lot of people would probably think that i don't like band anymore, i don't like my clarinet, i don't like music. that all these four years of me being in band, i've only been pretending to love band. what, so that i could hang out with all the cool band freaks? please. i need to clarify this, in my four years of being in band, of course there had been many times when i've wondered how it would be like if i were in a different cca, or complained and dragged my feet to come for band practice, there were many times when i was just tired of coming. but i stand firm in thinking that band has given me the best memories i've had, the best lessons i've learnt and if i had to repeat my secondary school life, i think i would have chosen to be in the band again. i genuinely loved band. and i think that it is this risk of people misunderstanding this that made me not want to withdraw myself from alumni band.
so i talked to my sister. she told me that i shouldn't care what people think, if it is making me unhappy, i just shouldn't do it. why do i torture myself by doing something someone else expects me to do? i'm not living for anybody, i have to live for myself, i shouldn't care about what other people say, that i'm not loyal or whatever, even if i am supposed to like something, and i don't like it anymore, don't do it. for a few days i really thought that was the way to go. but i can't bring myself to do it, i just can't. that's because i do care what people say, i do care how my actions affect things, i do care whether i'm doing the right thing or not!
this is so agitating.
well, so then i talked to my mum and she made the most sense i suppose (which is quite surprising cus some of the things she says can be a bit fluffy). she told me that she thinks it is good to have some commitment and be a bit more responsible, but she thinks i need to come out of my little hole and see that there are much more things in life than band. and if band is holding me back from getting a job, going for classes and 'developing myself further in life', then i should just drop it, because it's not as if i'm going to use band to land me a job as a musician or anything. she kept saying that i needed to broaden my horizons.
best to listen to mummy i guess. but i do still feel very guilty for dropping it because i've been told that the alumni band is already so short of people and how could i do this to them? so have i REALLY done the right thing or not?
decided to go to the doctor again, i was quite concerned as well about whether my flu is contagious. i don't think he could really figure out what was going on, he asked a lot of questions, i mean a lot, some really elaborated ones as well, like whether i cough because my running nose backflows a lot and irritates my throat. it's like erm... i don't know? in the end he just asked me whether i have any important events coming up, so i told him band. he asked what instrument i was playing, i told him clarinet. i also told him that at the last band practice, my voice became a lot worse after playing my instrument, and he gave me a lesson on vocal chords saying that if they get damaged, they would heal back, but there's a chance of some water bubble forming in the way and my voice could stay the way it is and can only be cured by micro-surgery, with that camera and blahblah. so he said that i should try to miss it and gave me a week's MC.
i told people that i didn't come for band because i was on MC and i won't be coming for the rest of practices because of the MC as well, but it's really just to cut the long story short and after all it was my deciding factor of not doing the performance. doctor's orders.
so yes, i am still unsure of what the right thing to do is, what if there IS no right thing? what if i just can't win? if i do go for band, i won't be very happy, i won't even be able to play that well because honestly my head feels as if it's choked up with mucus, my ears are blocked, my throat is blocked, it is difficult to play. it's alright la, janaine can do it. i think i should at least watch the performance though, at least show my face. the right thing to do is one thing, to be responsible is another, and i think it's quite irresponsible if i just don't come like that.
i feel like killing my conscience.
GONE SHOPPING, 12/05/2007 01:51:00 am
